When Loving Me Is Wrong: The Difference Between Self-Love and Selfishness
A lot of my clients come to me for guidance around how to love themselves more and work towards better self-esteem. I believe that true self-love in today's world is a radical act. To accept ourselves, flaws and all -- that takes a lot of courage and wisdom.
But many of my clients worry that, by practicing self-love, they're actually being selfish. Especially as women, we're usually trained from a young age to put others' needs before our own. When we first start looking out for ourselves, it often feels strange and even wrong. This leads many people to ask, where does self-love end and pure selfishness begin?
In this blog, we'll break down the differences between self-love and selfishness so that you can feel confident that you're not crossing that line.
When Does Self-Love Become Selfish?
I'm here to tell you today that true self-love can never be selfish. It is not selfish to make sure your own needs are met. It doesn't make you narcissistic or self-obsessed to accept and cherish yourself exactly as you are.
But having only a superficial understanding of what self-love is sometimes causes people to act in selfish ways in the name of their version of "self-love." For example, they might decide never to help other people so they can always use their time on doing only what they want to do. Or they might cut off anyone they have a conflict with for "self-love." In reality, this isn't self-love at all.
Like everything else in life, the difference between self-love and selfishness isn't black- and-white. But I've learned that selfishness isn't necessarily a matter of having an excess of self-love. Like I said earlier: true self-love can never be selfish. Self-love and selfishness are two completely different things, and in many ways they're opposites.
It may be helpful to look at the dictionary definitions of both terms: "selfish" and "self-love."
According to the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of selfish is: "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure."
But the definition of self-love is: "Regard for one's own well-being and happiness."
Do you see the difference? In other words, self-love is caring about your happiness. Selfishness is only caring about your happiness.
To illustrate further, here are some different ways that self-love and selfishness actually present in life. Where do you recognize yourself?
Selfishness is never taking responsibility for your mistakes. Self-love is being able to accept when you're wrong and know that your mistakes don't define you.
Selfishness is never caring about anyone else but yourself. That means that even if you've made a mistake and hurt someone, you won't take any responsibility. After all, you're only looking out for yourself when you're being selfish. Being selfish is having an attitude of, "This is me: take it or leave it, " even when you're harming other people.
Self-love is being able to recognize your mistakes, because you know that no mistake takes away your worth. Self-love is understanding that making amends when you've hurt someone also nurtures your spirit. When we truly love ourselves, we know that we are imperfect, and we know that's okay.
2. Selfishness is never caring about what others need. Self-love is having healthy boundaries.
When you first start practicing self-love, having personal boundaries might feel selfish to you. But having boundaries is a healthy, and often necessary, part of life. Boundaries allow you to protect your time and energy and make sure that you're not neglecting your own self-care. For example, self-love is: "I am not going to reply to this work email tonight. It's way past my office hours, and it isn't an emergency. I need to give myself time to rest."
On the other hand, selfishness causes people to never put a second thought toward what others need from them. They might be unwilling to ever do any favors for anybody, even for people who've helped them, because their own needs always come first. They are ready to step over everyone else to get what they need. Selfishness is: "My best friend asked me to come over because her boyfriend broke up with her, but I'm tired. It's her problem, anyway."
3. Self-love is about being genuine and open with others. Selfishness is manipulating or competing with others.
When we truly love ourselves, we are able to share ourselves openly and genuinely with other people. We understand that we have a lot of love to give the world, too - not just ourselves. And since we radically accept ourselves for who we are, we don't need to hide anything from others to manipulate or control them. Relationships are a source of joy and nourishment, not a way to get what you want.
Selfishness is sharing with others only to get your needs met. Selfish people might develop relationships only as a means to get their needs met. They may see every social interaction as a competition and strive to get ahead through any means possible, including manipulation and control.
Are You Ready for Self-Love?
Learning how to practice true self-love is often a journey. At first, you may swing between selflessness and selfishness while you're figuring out what real self-love looks like, and that's okay. Our work in therapy together can support your journey and empower you to find ways to radically love and accept yourself - without pushing others down. As your therapist, I will encourage you to have healthy boundaries, take time to nurture yourself, and learn to accept your whole self - but I'll also gently keep you accountable to not acting in selfish ways.
If you're ready to make this investment in yourself, get in touch with me for a free consultation.
