Reclaiming Your Time: 6 Healthy Ways to Set Boundaries in Relationships
Maybe your boss emails you a little too often on the weekends. Maybe your mother won’t stop calling when she’s stressed, even when it’s the middle of the night. No matter what relationship it is, it can quickly become overwhelming if you haven’t set up healthy boundaries.
Positive relationships should allow you to thrive; they should energize you, and not feel like a burden or a drain. But without boundaries, relationships can become a cage. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a way to reclaim your time in these relationships. Boundaries empower you to be free.
Here are 6 healthy ways to set boundaries in relationships.
Figure out what you need
The first step to solving almost any problem is to figure out what it is that you need. Relationships are no different.
Healthy boundaries can look different for each person. You might be okay with your boss contacting you on the weekends, as long as they don’t pressure you into working overtime. Someone else might prefer working overtime during the week if that means they’ll be left alone on off-job time. And another person may not be okay with either.
All of these boundaries are perfectly valid. But to set healthy boundaries, you need to know exactly where yours fall.
Practice some self-reflection. What type of relationship would be ideal for you? What does this person do that bothers you? When do you need time away from this person? Pinpoint your own answers to these questions. There is no right or wrong answer.
2. When possible, set boundaries early
When it’s possible, set boundaries early on in the relationship. For example, if you have a new acquaintance who’s already breaking boundaries, or if you’ve recently started a new job, this is a great time to make your boundaries known.
Obviously, this isn’t possible in many relationships. A big example is our relationships with our families. We’ve grown up with our families, and many of us were never taught how to set boundaries with them as kids. That means that these relationships may have gone on for years without any boundaries at all.
That isn’t your fault, and it’s never too late to set boundaries. But, in general, the earlier you set them, the better.
3. Communicate your boundaries
In the past, I’ve been guilty of having boundaries, but not making them as clear as I should to the other people in my life. You can probably guess that that usually leads to confusion and miscommunication all around.
For your boundaries to be liberating and effective, you need to communicate them clearly. Never blame or attack the other person when communicating your boundaries. Make it clear that this is about what you need, and they didn’t (necessarily) do anything wrong.
For example, don’t say, “You call me way too much and I can’t take it anymore. You need to stop.” Instead, try using I-statements that focus on your feelings about the situation and what you need. For example: “I need some time to myself in the evenings. Otherwise, I go into the next day feeling exhausted and burnt out. So you might not hear back from me right away if you text me after 8 PM.”
4. Be consistent
Once you have set and communicated your boundaries, it’s important to actually keep them. It’s okay to be flexible, but when you bend your boundaries often, then people may assume that the boundaries don’t really matter to you.
Let’s take the example of communicating with your boss that you can no longer be available for non-emergencies on weekends. If you continue to respond to non-emergencies when your boss contacts you on the weekend, then you’re teaching them that it’s okay to break your boundaries.
It can be hard, but try your best to be consistent once you’ve set boundaries. Of course, there might be exceptions — times you’re willing to break your boundaries — but make sure exceptions are really exceptions, and don’t become the rule.
5. One thing at a time
Parents and educators are often taught to give kids one instruction at a time. Instead of saying, “Put your toys away, brush your teeth, and go to bed,” we should say, “It’s time to put your toys away.” The same goes for setting boundaries.
It may overwhelm people to ask them to change too many things at once. Instead, start small, and focus on one thing at a time. What bothers you most about this relationship? What boundary, when maintained, would make the biggest difference to your life?
6. Understand that it’s a process
You might notice that you feel guilty about setting healthy boundaries in relationships. You might know, logically, that you’re not doing anything wrong, but still feel afraid of what the other person might think or say. This is normal, especially if you aren’t used to setting boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries is a process, and sometimes it’s even a life-long one. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean that setting boundaries is bad or the wrong thing to do. Each time you communicate or maintain your boundaries, take note of how you feel. There may be some guilt inside of you. But what else do you feel? Empowerment? Relief? Freedom?
With practice, it should get easier each time. You can learn more about which boundaries matter to you most, and how to communicate them in a way that works for you.
Boundaries are an important way to practice self-care. To check how you’re doing in the area of self-care, take Restore You Counseling’s Self-Care Quiz!
