When Loving Mom Is Hard: How to Manage Difficult Family Relationships
Mother’s Day is coming up.
If you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, this time can be very triggering
Mother’s Day is coming up. All around us, there are balloons, greeting cards, advertisements, and more that are filled with messages about how much mothers should be appreciated. How much they’ve done for us, and how we can show them our thanks in return. For people who have positive relationships with their mothers, it probably feels like a happy time.
But if you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, this time can be very triggering. You’re flooded with messaging about how great mothers are, but maybe that just hasn’t been your experience. Maybe life with your mom has been challenging. Maybe the relationship is toxic. Maybe you actually find it hard to love your mom — or at least be around her.
If you’re in this boat, you’re not alone. So many people have difficult or toxic relationships with their mothers or other family members. It’s a very common topic that comes up in therapy sessions with my clients. It’s hard when a relationship that’s “supposed” to be loving and supportive is actually the opposite. It can fill you with feelings like anger, sadness, resentment, and even guilt.
So today, in service to those of you who are hurting this Mother’s Day, I’ve compiled my thoughts on how to navigate these difficult family relationships.
Keep in mind that these tips apply to difficult or even toxic relationships — not to abusive ones. If you’re in an abusive relationship, then that’s a very painful and thorny situation that you may need a professional’s support to get through.
If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, you can get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or texting START to 88788.
Examine the relationship — and why it upsets you
This one may seem obvious, but sometimes, when we’re confronted with something on a daily basis, we never really take the time to take a good look at it. What is it about this relationship, specifically, that pushes your buttons? What does this person (whether it’s your mother or someone else) do or say that hurts you? Can you think of specific examples?
It can be helpful to start with doing an assessment of the relationship and figuring out what, exactly, it is that makes this relationship difficult. This can give you an idea of how to move forward. For example, is the relationship upsetting because of something that happened a long time ago? Is it something that can be resolved through communication? Or do you need firmer boundaries with this person?
Exploring the relationship in therapy can also be helpful. To setup a consultation click here
2. Have an open conversation
If you’re like most people, by the time you reach this blog, you’ve probably already tried to tell your mother, over and over again, that her behaviors hurt or bother you. But sometimes, we’re so deep in it that these conversations aren’t as intentional as they need to be for actual healing.
If you feel safe, set an intentional time to sit down and talk with your mother/family member. Make it a time when neither of you is angry or riled up. Approach the conversation with empathy. Try to “assume best intentions,” meaning: Don’t enter into the conversation with the conviction that this person is intentionally trying to hurt you. Try to see things from their point of view, and when they explain their behavior, listen to them.
Focus on your feelings rather than finding someone to blame. For example, you might say “It really hurts my feelings when you say those types of comments about my partner,” rather than “You don’t understand me at all, and you don’t even care if I’m happy.”
Of course, you know your relationship better than I do, so you’re the best judge on whether or not having a conversation in this will make things better or worse. Just make sure you separate your anxieties and fears from what’s actually likely to happen.
3. Be intentional and wise about visits
How often do you see this family member? Do you live with them? If not, what are the circumstances around their visits?
You may be able to avoid a lot of confrontation and distress simply by being intentional about when, where, and how you spend time with this person. For example, maybe you already know that seeing them on certain days (like Election Day) is bound to bring up topics that you don’t agree on. Or maybe you know that they tend to get a little tipsy on the weekend, or that your patience runs thinner than usual when you see them after work.
Avoid seeing them on those days. Plan visits during times that you know you’ll both be in a good mood. You can also consider planning visits in advance (rather than stopping by their house, for example) so that you can emotionally prepare for how you will cope when you feel upset.
4. Love doesn’t mean always saying “yes”
Lastly, keep in mind that loving someone does not always mean that you need to always agree with this person. In fact, it doesn’t even mean that you need to have them in your life. There’s a Bible verse that most of you probably know that says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” On the surface, this might sound like we need to simply “put up” with family members, no matter how toxic they are. Because that’s “love,” right?
The truth is: I don’t think so. I think, sometimes, a relationship hits a point where it’s just not working anymore. It’s damaging to both you and the other person. You’ve tried, and you’ve tried, but it just hasn’t gotten better.
In some cases, it might be necessary to put up some very real boundaries with this person. Whatever those boundaries look like depends on your specific situation. The only thing I can say is that you aren’t a terrible daughter for having boundaries. However, I do understand that the line between loving others and caring for ourselves can be a tricky thing to navigate.
Having boundaries is a form of self-care. It isn't selfish. If you have a hard time setting boundaries because of feelings of guilt, check out this blog that breaks down the differences between self love and selfishness.
